Home » Archives » April 2006
torn
April 25, 2006i want you to go away
but I’ll do anything to make you stay i’m torn between holding on and letting go
how will I know?
and why am I still kissing you?
ChapStick Lament
My lip balm is nearing the end of its short life. I’m quite reluctant to throw it away. We’ve been through a lot together since Nov of last year. I don’t want to say goodbye to it coz it was with me during a time in my life when I needed it the most.
Here are some things that we learned together.
Girl Talk
April 21, 2006Here’s a snippet of a conversation I had last night with my friend/shrink/ka-brokeback/shock absorber…Ruby. Upon reading my blog she commented that I write what I say. I’m gonna prove her wrong I’m gonna write about what she & I said 
Me: I just realized that I keep going on and on about not having met a real man yet…that I’m so sick of boys but I never bothered to ask myself if I’m already a woman. So what do you think? Am I woman or still a girl? Ruby: Honestly? Not yet in the real sense…but getting there. The mere fact that you’re asking is a mark that you’re almost there.
Me: So, when can one consider herself a woman?
Ruby: I don’t profess that I’m already one but I think it’s when we start taking responsibility for our actions, refraining from acting on impulse & think first of it’s effect not just on us but also to those around us. When we begin to realize that the world doesn’t revolve around us & there are greater concerns in the world & when we become more patient & forgiving.
Me: Bravo! Pang-Ms.Universe na answer!
I just thought of it coz I met someone…he’s a year younger but he seems mature. I think a met a man this time…
Ruby: I’ve heard that line before …I think that’s how you described F___(my ex)
Me:I think it’s different this time & I’m not making him a prospect (yet). He just makes sense. Anywayz, back to being a woman…so if we base being a woman on your definition then I think only Mother Teresa is the only woman ever!?
Ruby: Hahaha you’re being cynical! At least Mother Teresa proved to us that it is still possible to be woman in the real sense of the word
Me: Meaning the real essence of being a woman is equivalent to being a saint? Possible but rare? Hehehe
Ruby: That’s why women are special. We should aim to be one. What about our mothers? They are women just by putting up with their children.
Me: Can I aim to be a boy then? Or woman-child like in those novels? Sounds like man-whore hehehe
Ruby: You better stop reading those novels. I think it only brought ruin to our love lives.
Me: Hey I stopped reading them for quite some time. I can’t even remember the last romance novel I read. I think it was the want you lent me about the novice who was married to a knight and became a sex slave?
Cut. The rest of the conversation involved whips, bondage, asphyxiation, pain and torture…I’m talking about sainthood and martyrdom of course
Being a woman…I’m working on it to be worthy of that man NAH no man’s worthy of all that effort…well i’ll work on it just for me.
Thinking out loud
April 20, 2006
Have you ever wondered when to stop thinking and just feel? When to stop feeling and just think? I have quite a difficulty controlling this obsessive tendency to rationalize and think over things that are happening to me. A friend once told me that I think too much and that life shouldn’t be analyzed but should be felt and lived. Wish I could do that. Wish I could turn off this constant analysis. Well you see I’m trying to uncover life’s mysteries. When my thinking faculties had developed I’ve thought of all those existential questions…Why am I here? Who am I? Where am I going? Etcetera & etcetera. I’ve talked to many people & found out that others haven’t bothered to think about those questions haunting me. I’ve read books. I had philosophy subjects at school. I’ve turned to astrology and even to the occult. There are times when I thought I’ve found some answers but then I learn something that contradicts them & I’m back to zero. From this entire search for answers, I’ve come up with the realization that nobody knows the answer. Not even Aristotle, Plato, Sun Tzu, Deepak Chopra, Jaime Licauco ,Paulo Coehlo or even Winnie the Pooh(my gurus) knows. Nobody knows. I guess that’s why people turn to religion. To avoid going insane hehehe I might be completely missing the point but that’s what this bird brain of mine concluded.
But it did worked for me…I’ve found solace in faith. And that there “is” a source of being and I chose to believe that it is God. Well that’s a gift that I’ve learned to appreciate…Choice or free will. But even if I’ve drawn out these conclusions I know that my soul searching is far from over. Anywayz, I still have my whole life to figure things out.
Advice to Clueless
April 18, 2006 While I was procrastinating I chanced upon this blog. He was asking for advice and I found giving advices more pleasing than my work so I indulged myself. Also, I love giving advices even if sometimes it’s unsolicited I love acting as Dear Abby! I was planning to write it in his comment box but it got too long so I decided to post it here instead. A blog inpsired by a blog…jeez I really should get a life!
To clueless(itago na lang natin siya sa pangalang “clueless” coz I don’t know his name)
You are not alone. I can relate. A lot of people can relate. Try blog hopping and you’d be astounded by the number of people who are in the position you’re in right now. That’s why we blog I guess…to find release and solace in the fact that we’re not alone. We could form a sort of broken hearts anonymous support group hehehe just kidding.
Well getting over someone really takes time. It doesn’t happen overnight. There’s no instant formula. No immediate cure. It’s also not pain-free. The road to healing is painful. Much has been said about getting on…letting go but the bottom line really is TIME. Be comforted by the fact that the day will come when you’ll wake up and realize that it’s been hours since you last thought of her…then It’ll be days…months…years…and you might even forget her. She’ll become a memory…a part of your past if she’s really not the one destined for you. I hope I’m making sense and if not at least I hope you were distracted by my mindless chatter hehehe. Anyways, I wanna share my previous blog about getting over your ex (read here) just don’t take the last part seriously and this prose…
Liar
When you told me you love me,
I believed you
When you told me I was the answer to your prayers
I believed you
When you told me you want to marry me
I believed you
When you told me you can’t live without me,
I believed you
When you told me you’re mine
I believed you
Why I believed you?
Because I know none of them are true
Beneath the lies you failed to see
that the bigger liar was me.
Bisita Iglesia
April 17, 2006I consider myself as spiritual than religious. I’m Roman Catholic because I was born to it but not by practice. There was a time in my life that I verged on Atheism because my faith offers more questions than answers for me. I guess I was born a skeptic. But I’m past it all now, I’m finding my faith back or it has found me. It’s just weird coz at times when I least expect it I feel God pulling me back. Naks this is so not me. Or maybe this is the real me ..the me that lies beneath the layers of skepticism. During this Lenten season I again felt the pull towards my faith . . .
Mt. Apo at last!
So whatever happened to my grand plan of climbing Mt. Apo?
Nada!Zilch!Zero!Nil!…due to circumstances that are beyond my control.
1.I have no moral support from my loved ones
When I got home the day I decided to climb I immediately told my parents of my plan
Me :“ Ma, Pa……(drum rolls please) mosaka ko sa Mt. APO”
Ma & Pa : BWAHAHAHAHA!
Ma : Dili man gani ka mobaktas hangtod kanto!
Me : Kay naa may tricycle
Pa : Wala man gani namo gisugtan sa una imong kuya.
Me : Uban diay mi ni kuya karon beh?
Ma & Pa : BWAHAHAHAHA!
Me : Walks out sulkily & slams the door to my room.
2.I am not yet the boss.
Despite the fact that I was disappointed by the lack of support from my so-called loved ones..I still persisted. Before I even got to inform my boss that I’ll be taking a leave on April 12(Wed),she informed us that she would be taking a leave and that we lowly staff should schedule our leaves next time. And also she announced that we will be having field works on Compostela from Mon-Wed so end of the story.
It seems that the universe is conspiring against my climbing Mt. Apo so why fight it? To avert my disappointment I had my feet treated to a foot spa when I returned from Compostela on wed night…at a Spa & Salon located at Mt. Apo St, Davao City hahahaha the closest I can get to the real thing. Pathetic li’l old me. Anyways, there’s always a next time…and I believe that there’s a time and place for everything.
one message received
April 7, 2006Flo, C ____ 2.Pano mgdlet ng acount s yahoo?
A text message that I received from my ex during lunchtime yesterday. I presume it was his follow up to the missed call. Anywayz, it was just a start to a series of messages and call after. Since I’m firmly resolved to ignore him…I’ll allow myself to have this imaginary conversation with him. What’s the chance of him reading this? I guess zero!
****
So what do you want from me? Ever heard of the word Help? Is that your new pick up line now? Or do you still expect me to be there whenever you need me? Again, I’m gonna ignore you and here are just a few reasons why.
To climb or not to climb….Mt. Apo!?
April 5, 2006
Day 1, April 12, 2006 1am-3am Assembly Area at Mallengke, Bankerohan 3am-4am ETD to Kapatagan 8am-9am ETA in Kapatagan 9am ETD to Mainit 10am Jump off to Camp Sabwag 2pm ETA at Camp Sabwag 2pm to sawa Beauty rest, Picture Taking, etc Day 2, April 13, 2006 5am Wake up call 8am Jump off to Camp Gudi-gudi 12 NN Lunchtime at Baruring River 2pm ETA at Camp Gudi-gudi 2pm to Sawa Beauty rest, picture taking, etc Day 3, April 14, 2006 4am Wake up call 7am Jump off to Summit of Mt Apo 12 NN ETA at Mt. Apo Summit, Lunch time 1pm ETD to Lake Venado 2pm ETA at Lake Venado 2:30 PM Backtrail 5pm Beauty rest, picture taking, etc Day 4, April 15, 2006 4:30 AM Wake up call 9am Jump off to Camp Gudi-gudi 12 NN ETA at Camp Gudi-gudi, Lunchtime 7pm to sawa Beauty rest, picture taking, etc. Day 5, April 16, 2006 4am Wake up call 7am Jump off to Mainit 12 NN ETA at Mainit 1pm ETA at Kapatagan 2pm ETA at Digos 4pm Davao na po!