crossroads

I attended a Crossroads retreat last Sat-Sun sponsored by some community.Why? Because I believe I am at a crossroad in my life right now. I don’t know where I’m heading. I was hoping that the retreat would shed some light and would be a venue for some needed soul searching.

I made sure though before attending that the retreat is not some ruse to recruit me into attending some Charismatic community or whatever you call those metro-Christian groupies. They assured me it wasn’t. How gullible can I be? My suspicion started when they assigned all non-members to sleep with committed members in a room. My idea of a slumber party with my friend was quickly dispelled. My assigned roommate is abnormal friendly. We started okay but I found out that she wouldn’t stop talking about herself even I seem disinterested. It even came to the point that I have to cover my head with a pillow and feigned sleep but she kept on talking anyway.

But that hasn’t got anything to do with my point. In fairness to the group they did not pressure the participants to join but I felt pressured anyway.

So what’s my problem with these communities?

  I’m too jaded

When I hear the word community, I imagine those shiny happy people with a kind of glow emanating from their faces. Are they on drugs? I often wondered but when I came to know some of them I realize that they are high on God. I’m sorry but I don’t feel their sincerity. I don’t know but they seem phony to me. They’re too kind and too happy that I doubt if it’s real. I can’t find any fault in them that I sometimes wonder if they’re still human. I wonder too if it’s all an act and beneath that glow are troubled souls and that they’re just good in pretending. Why can’t they be themselves and admit that they sin too? I just hate it when some of them act high and mighty and all knowing. That they’re better off than all of us sinners. Hypocrites! I’m not trying to generalize but I still have to meet the genuine thing. I don’t dig noisy prayers

During the retreat I was introduced to a new kind of prayer. It’s sort of the opposite of a silent prayer. It’s a noisy prayer where everybody prays aloud all at the same time. It seems like I was given the power to hear people’s thoughts. It was too noisy that I can’t even hear my thoughts and I just ended up bowing my head and lip-synching

Don’t call me Sis

Sis! Excuse me but are we related? I don’t even call my brothers Kuya and sometimes even call my parents by their frist name. So don’t expect me to turn my head around when you call me sis. Action songs! Aaargggghhhh!!

One of the biggest reason why I won’t be joining any charismatic community anytime soon are those damned action songs. I hate them! Who invented them anyway? Those put your right hand in kind of things. It maybe fun . . .say 10 years ago during school days but now it looks moronic foolish. I wouldn’t be caught dead doing them. I’d rather be caught in some sex scandal than be seen doing action songs. And don’t even mention skits and dramas! It would ruin my manly image hehehe

PAUSE! Am I making a mockery of communities and retreats? I hope not. Why do I get the feeling though that I’ll be struck with lightning will writing this? So where was I? Don’t get me wrong. I do thirst for a stronger relationship with God…in my own pace and time. I know I need guidance and all but can I have some sort of private lesson? A one on one thing with an enlightened individual? Coz I realized that the more I’m exposed to people…the more I sin. Maybe I’m just not ready or I just haven’t found the right community for me.

So where was I after the retreat? I’m still at the crossroad with more questions than ever before. In fairness I had fun making fun of them. I met new friends though i can’t remember a single name. Anyways, I’m looking forward to more retreats. I may just get the hang of it and who knows the next time you wander this blog may emanate some kind of glow  go, grow.