missing friends

Last Sunday morning, I received a text from my officemate Jen:

Good morning.Dito na ako airport.I’m badly sick till now.Masakit kasi tonsil ko.Miss you. Bye2x.”

WTF!? She’s leaving today? I was away when she had her despedida and didn’t know she’s leaving this soon. I haven’t even got the chance to say goodbye in person. She’s leaving to Japan for good and God knows when I’ll see her again. I’ve only known Jen for a couple of months but we became fast friends. She’s the very definition of the word “chai” for that sk8rboi outfit and the huge lizard tattoo on her back. She’s easy to get along with and is always game for our gimiks. She may not be aware of it but I’ve grown really fond of her. I’ll surely miss her. Oh she’s easy to replace and maybe a year from now, I’ll even forget I even had a friend named Jen. I wish I can do that, but I can’t…I’m not like that. I don’t know if this is normal but I easily get attached to people. I really hate it when they had to go away for a few months or for good. I always feel bereft like the way I feel now. I always feel a sense of loss like a part of my heart being chipped off. I easily get teary eyed like I am now. Not just for Jen but for all the friends I miss. I remember each and every one of them. I’m such a sentimental fool. I remembered that I wrote each and every one of my classmates a letter (not just a mere note) in HS and college during graduation.
I recalled my best friend during Gr. 1, Giselle. I hunted her up on Friendster and when I found her I was dismayed to know she’s not that interested to catch up with me anymore. She have grown up and moved on. While I am still stuck in the four corners of our Grade-I Marigold classroom holding a worn friendship bond.
Oh and there’s Roy. He was my guy best friend since elem. We would hang out in each other’s house. I helped in courting his 1^st GF and he helped me w/ my boys. He was the one who taught me the word “Eat shit”. He was always mistaken for my boyfriend but our relationship was purely platonic. But when I watched the movie, “My Best friend’s wedding”. I had him in mind. I sort of nurtured this idea that if we’re still unattached by the age of 28, we’ll get married. Of course he‘ll agree, he’s my best friend. But as fate would have it, she got a girl pregnant, married and detached himself from his friends. I got hold of his number recently and contacted him but he won’t reply. Wasn’t I a part of his life? Don’t I hold a special place in his heart? Whatever happened to those endless conversation, long drives, Highschool mishaps, Smashing Pumpkins addiction, ham radio? How often have I stood up for him in front of my mom when he gets me home late at night? Was it all a thing in the past? Should I forget about all of it?
But I can’t and I won’t.
I know I should accept that friends walk in and out of our lives. They can let me go but I won’t. Coz I’m hoping that someday they might change their minds and think of me. And I’ll be just here with a ready smile and an outstretched hand. And we can go on from where we left off. Of course I won’t place my life on hold for them. For the meantime there are still many friends to make, to nurture and to keep.

Losing friends is more painful than losing boyfriends. It’s a different kind of pain…it’s the kind that never goes away.

current mood:nostalgic

song in my head: 1979 and the rest of the songs from Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness by SP