Random senti-ness

I’m back to my old way of procastinating. I’ve been doing nothing since morning though based on my “To DO” list I have a gazillion things that I should do . I blog hopped my way through lunch and attempted to write something but I can never seem to get past the first line. Whenever i think of something to write, my mind starts to wander and I can’t get it back.I reviewed some of my drafts but still I’m too lazy to  finish or edit them that I decided to post them as they are just to clean off my drafts.I’m not really on a senti or emo or whatever mode but found many senti drafts so here goes:

i know 

I know that he was born on a stormy Tuesday night. I guess that’s why he’s moody sometimes like the weather. I know that he loves peanut butter on wheat bread and hates anything with pineapple in it. I know that he hates coffee shops with their high priced coffee and would often discourage me not to hang out in one and offers me instant coffee instead. I know he can’t sleep with a light on and that he likes as many pillows as possible. I know that he likes to cuddle after making love. I know that he kisses with his eyes open. I know that he hates books and only reads newspapers and National geographic. I know he likes things organized and hates my mess. I know he likes to wake up late. I know that when I wake he’ll be there for me, everyday. I also know that he’s not you and sometimes I pretend that I don’t know.

good night boy

He was my diversion when I broke up with first boyfriend way back in college. He also wore eyeglasses like my ex. I have weakness for guys who wear glasses. He was also tall and lanky. But he had curly hair that doesn’t fall over his eyes. He doesn’t have china eyes but have laughing ones. He is more outgoing. He actually had a reputation of being “badly behaved” compared to my goody goody ex. He was my diversion coz we found ourselves constantly thrown together. It started when he saw me holding an Album of Smashing Pumpkins, he loved the band too and we ended up talking about our favorite bands. We discovered that we both share a passion for music. We would hang out together w/ some of my classmates at the videoke near our school. He had a good voice so I would ask him to sing my fave songs like All I want by toad the wet sprocket and Goodnight girl from wet,wet,wet. So I secretly nicked him Good night boy. He would watch movies with my group of friends and inevitably we got teased. We would ignore it coz I know that he got a crush on my friend and he knows of my broken heart. I guess we ended up as close friends. There was still no unlimitext but we constantly send each other messages even after we graduated but it waned after a few years. Last year out of the blue he called me up and asked for a copy of my note. I suddenly remembered him coz I read an entry from my diary about him. There was this unknown cel. number sending me messages before but I later found out that it was him using his brother’s number and it left me wondering. Did I really treat him like I shadow as he claimed I did?

in silence  I always thought I made the right decision, a first, when I chose friendship over my fanciful feelings for you. I was afraid to know how you actually felt. Thus I made up my mind that you don’t feel the same. Coz if you really felt something then you should have said something right? I drew the conclusion that you knew. I’m not good at hiding my feelings anyway. I’m sure you’ve noticed that I can’t look at you straight in the eyes. It’s not because I was afraid you’ll know how I feel. But I was afraid of what I’ll find there. I tried to get over it but it was actually hard coz you’re always around. But I got over you, or so I thought. Coz just the other night as I saw you again I found tears welling up as I waved you goodbye. After all this time…10 years in fact I’m still hurting. Hurting like I never did before. Hurting more than those failed relationship. Pining over a guy who was never mine. Losing someone I never own. If I knew being wise would hurt then I would’ve been stupid. I should have told you “I love you” with all the love I feel inside. I would have shouted at the top of my lungs for the world to see that I’m in love. Coz I never really felt anything like this. The worse that could’ve happened is that you’ll just laugh at me and fondly say, “You’re like a sister to me”. I would’ve have hurt for a while. Then I would’ve gotten over it. And we would be friends again. But now, it’s too late. Really too late.

  This is the line I badly wanted to say before:

  “I’m the girl of your dreams, masquerading as your best friend”.

  *********

I’ve been berating myself since I last saw you. Been having pangs of regret for loving you in silence.Coz I always believed, in the end, it would still be you and me. But now I’m finally letting you go and I’m waking up from this dream. I realized that I should stop blaming myself for not letting you know coz I never failed to show it. I was always there for you. And I realized that your silence all these years is in fact the very answer I failed to see.